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I finally updated this shit so I could actually add voice entries to it

Here’s the first one. I’ve been staying at home alot, perhaps too much, perhaps way more than is healthy for me. All I know is I want to get out of here really really soon. I need to leave for the USAF right away. There’s so much out there for me to do, to advance myself, my quality of life, my knowledge, my spine….

I feel that each day that passes as the time of my departure draws near is longer and longer, even the best days are barely tolerable, and the worst are… well, I sometimes wish I were sleeping through them, heh.

My life isn’t perfect, far from it. Few friends, haven’t talked to family, not too close to the co workers… how do I keep going? I have no idea. Other than–what else can one do? Life goes on, one foot at a time. At this point in time I choose to go it alone because I can’t stand the people who haven’t reached out to me yet judge me as if they know still who I am when all they know is who I was. And when I say “I can’t stand”, it’s not to say that I get pissed off, but rather I don’t have the heart to endure the questions that are posed to me. “Why did I join the Air Force?” “Why did you just quit your job?”

“Why do you keep running away?”

Am I a runner? I’ve quit all the jobs I’ve had up to now, never once have I been let go or fired. On one hand, I could have stayed and worked things out in every case.

But I’m of the opinion that life really is too short, and I don’t really care to “work things out” that I don’t have much patience with. Family, unfortunately, falls in this category. The only person from my family who really tries to reach out is my dad, and I’m truly sad that I can’t seem to find the courage to be there when they need me. I haven’t seen them for a long time now, and now that I seem to be able to support my own before I leave for the Air Force, and once I leave I’ll be more than able to support myself, I’ve seen no reason to call up my family and check in with them…. I hate to be cliche and blame my parents for my faults… so I won’t. There’s nothing to blame. I am who I am because I made myself this way, no one else made my decisions or chose my behaviors. However, I have to mention that I haven’t been able to speak with my mother for almost a year now. It will be a year this coming November. I stopped talking to her when she refused to hear me when I told her I was trying my best to find a good job… but apparently taking up a meantime-job while looking for real work was unacceptable. Well too bad, if I can’t be accepted when I’m trying my best to make my way in my life, then I don’t have room nor do I desire to carry that baggage. There are times when I want to just break down and cry… many times, most often during weekends when I’m left to my own thoughts. The belief that my parents have drilled into my head is that there will be no one in the world who will give a damn about my welfare except for them, but now I’ve shut them out and I have practically no one. I live in a small, sad, lonely world, with nothing but my mind, my best friends, and God to keep me company.

Maybe I’m a runner. Maybe I am a chronic not-finishing-what-I-start kind of person. But where do you draw the line? I’ve been used so many times and have stood my ground and taken the blows on so many occasions, doesn’t it ever become okay to just drop things like a bad habit and run from them? When my “uncle” didn’t pay me 6 months of salary for working for him, should I have stayed and stood my ground and kept working there? When my last employer would scream at me to work harder 3 to 4 days out of each work week, should I have stayed and gone mad thinking I was the slowest software developer on earth? I pray that God can help me, because He knows that my heart and mind are in such a damaged state at this point in time that getting better will be tough. But even in my heart I still feel alone, I need to figure out a way to break through this thick glass shell I’ve grown around my percept region, because at this moment everywhere I look, I see only the reflection of what lies in my heart, and it ain’t pretty.

Well, I may have few friends, but I am glad to have them, even if we don’t see eye to eye all the time. The only few people to not have judged me, and who have trusted me not to judge them.

-Thomas Joseph Olaes