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Here we go. Last entry as a civilian.

Good morning, folks. Today I am driving down from Oakland to Los Angeles.

My mind draws a blank to what to say next…

Oh right. I don’t have a plan for the days between today and Monday 4:00. I know I have to accomplish a few things, but I have no idea where I’m staying the night. Even at this moment I’m still deciding if I should call my dad and ask if I can stay at my old house for the next two nights… I know he will accept, but I feel that I may have to sacrafice my sanity if I stay in the same house as my mom for the entire day. She’ll try to “talk” to me, try to ask me questions that I don’t feel I should have to answer, try to appeal to my heart.

But I can’t let that happen. Once she gets influence over me, she’ll start commanding me to do shit like a robot, such as talk to her and answer her questions. It’s never when I’m ready, always when she is.

I take the above back. I think what I want really is just to be left alone for a while. Left completely alone. I need a break from this all so I can have a chance to change what I don’t like about myself and become a better person, and I don’t think that can happen if I make a clean break from all the people who remind me of the bad things that are within me that I need to fix. That’s what I’ve wanted. I’ve known early on that I need to find my own path, I don’t know what compels me to always learn first-hand the different lessons in life….

But then again, I can’t really remember the last time my parents tried to teach me something. The last piece of unique instruction I got from my mom is that only filipina women smell good, other women smell like crap. I got the usual study hard, and the “don’t do drugs, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t fuck around” circle of BS from my mom as well that I already learned from DARE and sex ed in elementary school. But other than that I didn’t learn from them. Maybe this is why I’m just used to learning things first hand, because I’ve learned pretty much everything I know and all my morals on my own.

And besides. She’s the one who stopped listening to me first. I think I’ve known it for a long time, but it all really came to focus the day I told her I got a new job and it wasn’t at Microsoft or some other big-name company. When I told her I was still looking for better, and she still would not accept what I had said until my dad said I was doing okay. Then she threw her arms up and marched around yelling “Okay! Nothing’s wrong then! There’s nothing wrong!” and then locked herself in the bedroom. I shit you not, reader.

Besides, isn’t the goal of people to always look for better positions in life? I know it is mine. I mean, if I got promoted to position B, would I say “Ah, I’ve finally attained position B, now I can just do my work and keep doing the same job for the next five billion years.” Hell no, I’m going to start figuring out where I can go from that point. I always look upward, and I can accuse myself of sometimes looking too far ahead. So for her to accuse me of settling in a low position… I must be some kind of idiot then, huh?

So back to topic one. I still don’t know if I should spend the weekend at my parent’s. I guess I’ll figure it out on the drive down.

-TJ