… creatively uninspired. I look at my page and that’s the first thing I can come up with. I use lines and boxes not because I like them, but because they’re easy to make and don’t require much thought.
If this page is going to change, it’s definitely not going to change today. :/
I should really “finish” this website… I’ve left it half-built since its conception, what with 4 items in my menu yet unfinished… that’s like less than 50%!
Time to get crackin!
I’ve really been thinking about taking leave to go home lately… I miss my old stomping grounds, and even though I would feel totally out-of-place in Los Angeles, I still want to go back. I’ve been thinking about all my friends and all the places I haven’t seen in the past two or three years. Lorenzo and Xstine, Alvin, Kyuu, Scott, Alex… I miss all you guys. And yeah… I miss mom and dad too. And my sisters… And all my cousins….
So yeah… leave is definitely in the works, although I’m not sure if I can take it because of some stuff happening here. I hope I can, I’d like to come down and visit all my friends, and maybe even touch base with people I lost touch with a long time ago… who knows.
-TJ
Man… so last night something happened… [fast-forward]… then when I tried going back to sleep my brain started thinking about the people I work with, and how most of them are screwing around all the time and not doing things correctly. So my frustrated brain let slip a thought: “Why the hell am I working so hard when I’m the only one in my workcenter doing so? It’s not fair, and I think I’m not going to care so much anymore.” Something to that extent.
And then I prayed to God, thanked Him for everything he’s given me so far, and I did what I thought Jesus Christ would want me to do… trust in Him that all will be well. So I prayed that I would leave my problems to Him, that I’m sorry for all my sins, and asked for help to become the man that He wants me to be when I wake up.
So I guess my prayer was answered shortly before I awoke today… I had a very vivid dream. I was in “the battlefield”, which was a house demolished by weapons fire, and we were in a jungle. I was carrying a tiny 5-year-old girl out of the house, to my supervisor, a sergeant of some sort. I was holding her by the armpits, like when a man is changing a baby (not his) for the first time. I asked him, “What do we do?” Referring to the little girl I was carrying in my arms. Sergeant replied, “Not much”
Somehow, she was suddenly wounded, but it was as if she had been wounded when I found her and I just didn’t notice. Her breathing was eratic, like she was panicked and dying. I didn’t know what else to do, so I kissed her on the forehead and started cradling her in my arms, like a mother would rock her baby to sleep.
Then she started talking. She looked at me and said “It’s like having a father for free.” Then she said some more stuff, I can’t really remember anymore what, and then she tucked herself into my chest and started praying, thanking God for that moment. It was so sad… she laid a hand on my chest and held onto my shirt for a moment, and as she finished her last words she slowly buried her face into my chest, and I felt her hand go limp.
Halfway between the waking dream and the dreaming wake, I thought/prayed “God, thanks for the reminder. This is why I’m here.” And I awoke.
This is why I’m here. This is why I fight. Lord knows I’m not here to kill anyone, I just want to save the world. I guess when I lose focus, this is how He talks to me, and I remember what I’m doing and why I need to keep going. I need to fight this fight, to do my thing, because other people depend on me. Not just my brothers and sisters in arms, but the people we serve, and even the people we don’t. So here I am, a man refreshed, my goal re-set in my mind.
Time to save some lives.
-TJ
Without a dope beat to step to.
Well let’s see what’s new…. I recently (maybe 3 weeks now?) started working out on my off-duty time lifting weights and such with a co-worker. I don’t feel any different except for the soreness afterwards. My buddy is on leave this week so I’m gonna have to work out on my own at the Gym…. scary!
But we’ll see. I think I can hit the Gym up this week, I’ll try to go every afternoon. It’s not so bad, I like working out for some reason, even though it hurts like hell and I’m really embarassed at the light poundage I’m using for my weights. But we all gotta start somewhere, right? I’m working away at years of being on my ass in front of the computer. Like I am now.
Anyway, what else… I grew the top of my hair out a bit, so now in the morning I slick it back instead of roll around with a bald head. I want to look like I take care of myself a little bit (just a little) so I’m working on having a decent looking haircut.
And last Friday, I went out and imbibed alcohol for the first time in YEARS. We had a DD, and she was cool, so I gave her my keys and drank my beer. We played pool, and I started forgetting which side of the 8-ball I was after just 1.5 beers. Then they wanted to do a shot, so we did a “tawaca” bomb. It tasted good, but I didn’t want to overdo it so I didn’t down the whole thing. Maybe next time I can. I just didn’t want to barf.
But that’s about it. I drank enough last Friday to turn off the always-on worry switch, but not enough to black out or really lose my judgement.
There may be hope for me yet!
-TJ