I was gonna write something else here, but in the middle of writing it, I got to thinking.
It’s about the girl I K16M-L. I need to sort these errant notions floating about my innerspace of “I hate being lonely” so I can figure out if she’s really a girl I’m interested, or if I’m just interested because she’s a girl.
Isn’t that an ugly notion? I think so. I hate admitting it but the testosterone really does fuck up my thinking when it comes to girls. So far my mitigation mechanism has been to ignore all urges when around females, then masturbate like a fiend when I get home… but this black-and-white, admittedly draconic solution to my masculine problem is probably overkill, as it’s making me ignore potentially positive hit signals from actual high-quality females. Okay, so I don’t really masturbate like a fiend all the time, but I do tend to swallow my desires for the girl I might be pining over, because I don’t trust my own body. Specifically, if that hardness in my chest… it could be anything. It can be, like, me thinking about being alone for so many years now, me feeling this girl is really something, me being scared of being rejected….
And here comes the over-analysis. Or maybe I’ve been saying things like “and here comes the over-analysis” because I have a yet-undetermined problem that I need to address, and I’ve been putting it off by telling myself dismissive things such as above? Now, whenever there’s a problem, I can’t just leave it alone. I never do. I always address it, somehow. It sure would be nice if inspiration hit me with an epiphany of sorts… I love it when that happens. Unfortunately I haven’t had one in regards to my current situation with the girl I K16M-L.
So, when all else fails, turn your problems over to Christ…
Lord… please help me sort out this shit. I’ve always been bad at it, and I’ve always had an especially hard time really hearing what You’re trying to tell me. You’ve guided me this far in life, and within the past 2 years You’ve shown me what listening to You can really do for me. Please help me grow in this respect, my passion clouds my mind alot, and I need to get a grip on my senses. You speak to me through my conscience, help me hear you past my fears and worries. Amen.
-TJ
It seems that I have a far-removed cousin somewhere here in America that knows my last name… we could *possibly* be related as far as 4 generations back (her great grandmother *may* have been my grandfather’s aunt). I am currently investigating this… it piques my interest.
-TJ
For the record…
Friday night, went to friends house to eat, drink and play games.
Saturday night went back to Rumbay and Vue. Some fight broke out inside Vue, and it moved outside where the police broke it up a half hour later when it moved around the block.
Sunday was peaceful… I actually spent it playing my Rogue on WoW.
Anyway, now I gotta get ready for work.
-TJ
I just wanted to note a few things for myself today.
1: I need to switch this website over to my racknine account. They give me so much more resources over there than here that it’s disgusting, and even though I don’t get “unlimited” DBs, I only really *need* one, and am happy with a handful.
2: I went to audiology today and my hearing test indicates that I have the beginnings of hearing loss. My hearing is apparently not so good in the treble range, but it is still hovering somewhere around “normal”. Dad suggested I try asking for a note or waiver or something asking if I can work in a low-noise environment, and I think I’d like to do that… I can’t imagine my world without music, laughter, and speech….
-TJ
Okay, so I was not really planning on posting today, but… I think just for historical purposes I should write down what happened and my resulting state of mind, which is happy.
So I get home, and I have a voicemail from the girl I k16m-l. She says she needs help with something, so I help out for about 2 hours.
Result? Un-inhibited peace of mind. As opposed to OMFGSHELIKESMEIWONDERWHENWE’LLSEEEACHOTHERAGAINOMGOMGOMG. Yeah. I’m going “cool”, with a smile and a good head nod. 
I’m following my conscience, not giving in to impatience… not taking for granted that things may actually go my way for once. But at least that nagging doubt I had yesterday is now gone, and the voice of reason that kept that nagging doubt from growing into something unbearable yesterday won out… the one that said “Hey, she might play with him a little, but she called you today.” I expected nothing, but I got what I wanted. *I expected nothing, but I got what I wanted.* I choose those words very deliberately, because that describes exactly what happend and what led to my current peace of mind.
Anyway, now I’m thinking: Damn. I’ve written so much about my k16m-l that I hope she doesn’t find this anytime soon. None of the girls have been interested enough to find my myspace profile, which is the only place other than a google search for “olaes” that links to this site, so so far so good.
Time to get ready for tomorrow.
-TJ
Time to think/psychoanalyze myself less for a second and just go with the flow. Such is the case of the title of this post… that’s how I feel right now.
Today was a bit hectic. Coming back from the longest leave I’ve taken since I joined the service, I’m finding that even though I’m in charge of very little, what I am in charge of needs my urgent attention.
The thing I worked on the most today is ***. I have to read an assload of rules regarding *** as it’s required that I do so every *** ***. Suffice it to say, I’m only maybe a third through it, no thanks to my attempts to read while sitting down. :/ It’s a quick way to pass out at work, that’s for sure. I finally got lots of progress when I decided to go to *** ***, where it’s pretty cold, and I stood up and read like that. It was slightly uncomfortable, of course, having to stand in a single spot where the temperature is just cold enough to be annoying.
Other than that, I fixed a ***. It’s nice to be back, and day 1 back on the job feel like I’m contributing to the greater good once again. I felt mentally at 95%… and I’m sure it’s thanks to having the last two weeks to unwind after meeting those milestones of PT test and BTZ award. I feel so relaxed when I’m not at work, such as the case is right now.
Of course, it may also be due to the fact that after work I ran the minimum 6 laps around our track at the Gym (just 1.5 miles). On my own. Not with anyone. As in, I actually worked out on my own initiative today, and I didn’t even plan on it until I got in the car to go home after work. So I ran my 6 at what I felt was a decent pace… not too slow, but not *quite* as fast as I would have liked. Guess 2 weeks of lazing out will make me soft, and the problem compounds when I laze out at sea-level, then come back to high-altitudes and try to work out like normal…. Well I feel good for trying (and sweating) anyway.
On my way to the track, I jogged in and jogged one pre-lap just to warm up at a pace that would get me breathing hard when I stopped, and during that I was thinking about doing some pushups and situps between laps. This was probably my only D&D morale failure I had today, as after I started running and did my first lap “for real”, I looked at where I planned to do my between-laps p/us and s/us and thought “… fuck it.” and kept running until I did my 6. I ran my last lap hard though… I think that counted for something. At least I beat this girl who was outrunning me… I guess I have to let that chauvanist out once in a while.
(Speaking of which, I am secretly wishing to see a certain female that beat me when I was jogging outside during morning PT a few weeks ago. I have no idea who she is, but she was using me as a pace, and I crapped out on my last lap and watch her sweet butt run away. I hold no grudges when it comes to being beaten by someone who is clearly superior, male or female, let me make that clear. So it was with pleasant surprise that she came up to me when she finished her last lap (she started when I was already past my first two laps) and thanked me (sincerely, I hope) for acting as her pacer. Of course, I saw her coming up on me while I was running, and I was using *her* as my pacer as well, and every time I pulled away ahead of her, she’d keep up. (the dog in me says: “Maybe she digs me. *overly-smug smirk*”) Anyway, I want a rematch, and I’m gonna “train” for it, in a sense. It’s too bad I don’t even remember who the girl was. I don’t even remember if she was white or hispanic. I just remember long hair and a sprint-runner’s slim body, unlike my stocky/slightly-pudgy build.)
Oh, so *after* my run on the track, I was feeling kinda guilty about not doing my push ups and sit ups, so I went into the gym to stretch first, then I went looking for some weights. The gym was packed, though, and it was about 6PM so I guess everyone who was getting off work was coming to the gym today. When I gave up looking for some kind of weight machine or free bench where I could use the little arm weights, I decided to go to the upstairs track and do some circuit training with my pushups and situps. So I did a set of 20 pushups, ran at a relaxed pace (but not a Keesler shuffle… that’ll give you shin splints), then I’d walk a little bit near the end of a lap (it’s 3 indoor laps to one outdoor lap) and go immediately into doing 20 situps at a situp bar. I didn’t take a break until I did 3 sets of each, alternating, which put me up at another .5 mile of running while doing my p/us and s/us.
Can you tell I’m quite proud of myself today? I am. Before break it was so hard to motivate myself to work out, but now… I dunno. As far as my mental state during the course of the day, I felt just a teeny-weeny bit like I was forcing the gears to start cranking again, but otherwise my psyche-engine was running fine. Although… I was thinking a little bit about last Saturday night.
Now, my friends know that I tend to psycho-analyze/over-analyze things that bother me or make me curious. In this case, it was something that… I’ll admit, was and kinda still is bothering me, although I think I shouldn’t be bothered if I really am supposed to be mature. There’s this girl that I kinda sorta don’t-really-know-yet-or-maybe-I-do-but- don’t-want-to-admit-it-to-myself like. And this girl that I KSDRKYOMIDBDWTAITM-like spent the whole night dancing with a guy that is familiar to me… he’s in my squadron. Now, what’s bothering me isn’t the fact that they practically spent the entire night dancing with each other at the clubs we were at… I’ve come to the realization long ago that if a girl likes a guy that’s *not* me, I really shouldn’t dwell on it and should keep going. So, in short, I’m not jealous. On the contrary, I really do feel like *if* (big huge *if*, with underlines and all sorts of disclaimers of this statement being pure speculation) this guy that I am familiar with just happens to win the heart of this girl I K16M-like (wow… I think I just made up a new word. I should patent “K16M-like”, as I think it will be accurate at describing future girls that I will k16m-like while I am single.) then good for them. And as for me, tough nuts, but it’s not like I’ve never lost to competition before. (The lines from Eminem’s *Say What You Say* comes to mind: “And if I fumble the verse, keep going / First take, I make mistakes, just keep it / No punches, pull no punches, that’s weak sh*t”) It’s like I said, I am willing to lose graciously if the competition is just simply better than me. At least I tried, and I will keep trying again and again.
But back to what I was saying about what’s bothering me… it’s not that they were hanging out together all night, but what *was* bothering me was thinking about how I could make myself more like an ideal guy for a girl. I spend so much time thinking about what kind of a girl I would like to eventually settle with (when I think about the subject, that is) that I don’t even think about the girl’s needs, or rather, what I have to offer that she would see in me right away. Now, I know I have alot to offer. I’m blessed with intelligence, honesty, and for better or for worse the kind of person I think about when I think of reaching my maximum potential is a knight–not some sappy romance-novel knight with a shining white sword, shield, and armor–but a warrior. Dusty, sweaty, and grimy from battle… like one of the knights templar who fought in the crusades so long ago. Yes… I think I even have the same blind zeal for what I believe in, as it has manifested itself so many times while passionately arguing philosophy with my best friend Lorenzo back in Nor.cal (I think I always lose). (To my credit (I think), I do try to keep an open mind about all things, so what I believe is constantly *evolving* (as opposed to me simply changing my mind all the time).)
Anyway, I have alot to offer. But I don’t think I’ve quite reached a level of maturity that I strive to be at, and a voice inside me is silently nodding, hinting to me that maybe the girls see this in me too, and that’s why I haven’t really had a serious girl friend yet. I have many things to improve… I have to work to get more tougher inside, more resistant to pain in my mind and body, for one. I guess that’s what led me to go to the gym today (were you wondering when I was gonna tie this tangent back into my main discussion? 
I know I was…). And that’s what’s going to motivate me to go above-and-beyond for the next few days, if not weeks… hopefully I will be able to extract and retain the joy in routinely going above-and-beyond for myself, and keep the good habits I’m trying to form for the long-term.
…
I feel like something is gently coaxing my actions today. I feel like a feather slowly falling to the ground… and a gentle breeze is lightly pushing me to an unknown (presumably favorable) destination.
…
Anyway, I’ve got lots to do now that I’m back in COS, so I need to throw some clothes on and head out. I feel like I wrote alot just now! I wonder what this will look like when I hit “Submit Query”…..
-TJ
Hello all. It’s Sunday night before work, so I thought I should take a little bit of down time here to record the events of the last two weeks.
So, yes, I was awarded Senior Airman Below The Zone. I specifically use the passive tense there because I feel like even though I deserve it, there is more than one person to thank when someone gets this award. To the supervisors and senior people in my unit go a good deal of thanks, because they’ve been the guiding light, constantly pointing me towards higher levels of military professionalism. I may never become the perfect Airman, but I think I’ve made great strides since the day I hauled my starch-drenched luggage off the bus at BMT, in no small part thanks to those who’ve given me guidance.
Well, after I was given the awards and various pats on the back, I did my PT test and scored… 89. Just one point shy of being excellent. 
Oh well… I just have to work that much harder to get excellent next year.
Then I went on leave, for 2 weeks, back to sunny LA. It was GREAT. I got to hang out with almost all of my friends (Sorry I didn’t get to meet with you, Alex. Thanks for the CDs!), I got to watch alot of the summer movies (Nacho Libre, Cars, Pirates 2, A Scanner Darkly, Superman Returns), meet some new folks (mostly from Alvin’s church group), and basically just relax the fuck out. I never checked my work email, never called in, never got called… it was great. I didn’t even play WOW all that much… I just didn’t want to do *anything* constructive. And I succeeded. So much for not being able to sit 2 minutes without feeling compelled to build something… I spent 2 weeks doing jack shit and it felt great.
I ate out alot. I spent most of my lunches at Farmers’ Market, and boy let me tell you… there’s this BBQ place that makes a great chopped steak sandwich. It’s near the parking lot, closer to the grove, rather than further from it. I also had my fill of In ‘N Out, got food from Jack in the Box one or two times, had some Weinerschnitzel, and also some Tito’s Tacos. DAMN I wish I could bring those restaurants out here. They’d be fuckin rich. No joke.
Well, I came back last Friday, and since I’ve been back I think I can safely say I’ve been out of my dorm room more time than I’ve been in. *Somehow*, and I have to thank God for this, the people I’ve gotten to know through APAH are finally connecting with me. Perhaps it’s my lowered level of stress, or maybe I regained some of my swagger and self-assuredness because I didn’t have to kiss butt for 2 weeks to EVERY PERSON I CAME ACROSS, but I spent pretty much all day Saturday hanging out with… someone… and other friends. That was cool, to say the least, and for now I’ll keep the rest to myself. But at the very least I can say that I finally enjoyed a day where I was 85% spending it with friends, and not by myself. I like having shit to do.
Then today, I stepped out of my dorm room to get lunch, and 8 hours later I finally return from a trip to Denver. As it happens, I was walking out to my car, and I heard my name as I walked out to the parking lot. That turned into “what are you guys up to”, which turned into an invitation, which turned into somewhat of a road trip in a decked out car. We watched a good part of Dodgeball going up, and a good part of Crash coming back down.
And now… I need to go to bed so I can get up and kick some ass at work tomorrow. There’s alot of shit I need to catch up with, so I’ll be busy for a good long while catching up/excelling my career.
It’s time for me to hit the bed, so tomorrow I can hit the ground running. Good night, America.
-TJ
I have to keep reminding myself…
don’t shop while hungry.
-TJ