~~~Back to the grind~~~ Click here to comment

Time to think/psychoanalyze myself less for a second and just go with the flow. Such is the case of the title of this post… that’s how I feel right now.

Today was a bit hectic. Coming back from the longest leave I’ve taken since I joined the service, I’m finding that even though I’m in charge of very little, what I am in charge of needs my urgent attention.

The thing I worked on the most today is ***. I have to read an assload of rules regarding *** as it’s required that I do so every *** ***. Suffice it to say, I’m only maybe a third through it, no thanks to my attempts to read while sitting down. :/ It’s a quick way to pass out at work, that’s for sure. I finally got lots of progress when I decided to go to *** ***, where it’s pretty cold, and I stood up and read like that. It was slightly uncomfortable, of course, having to stand in a single spot where the temperature is just cold enough to be annoying.

Other than that, I fixed a ***. It’s nice to be back, and day 1 back on the job feel like I’m contributing to the greater good once again. I felt mentally at 95%… and I’m sure it’s thanks to having the last two weeks to unwind after meeting those milestones of PT test and BTZ award. I feel so relaxed when I’m not at work, such as the case is right now.

Of course, it may also be due to the fact that after work I ran the minimum 6 laps around our track at the Gym (just 1.5 miles). On my own. Not with anyone. As in, I actually worked out on my own initiative today, and I didn’t even plan on it until I got in the car to go home after work. So I ran my 6 at what I felt was a decent pace… not too slow, but not *quite* as fast as I would have liked. Guess 2 weeks of lazing out will make me soft, and the problem compounds when I laze out at sea-level, then come back to high-altitudes and try to work out like normal…. Well I feel good for trying (and sweating) anyway.

On my way to the track, I jogged in and jogged one pre-lap just to warm up at a pace that would get me breathing hard when I stopped, and during that I was thinking about doing some pushups and situps between laps. This was probably my only D&D morale failure I had today, as after I started running and did my first lap “for real”, I looked at where I planned to do my between-laps p/us and s/us and thought “… fuck it.” and kept running until I did my 6. I ran my last lap hard though… I think that counted for something. At least I beat this girl who was outrunning me… I guess I have to let that chauvanist out once in a while.

(Speaking of which, I am secretly wishing to see a certain female that beat me when I was jogging outside during morning PT a few weeks ago. I have no idea who she is, but she was using me as a pace, and I crapped out on my last lap and watch her sweet butt run away. I hold no grudges when it comes to being beaten by someone who is clearly superior, male or female, let me make that clear. So it was with pleasant surprise that she came up to me when she finished her last lap (she started when I was already past my first two laps) and thanked me (sincerely, I hope) for acting as her pacer. Of course, I saw her coming up on me while I was running, and I was using *her* as my pacer as well, and every time I pulled away ahead of her, she’d keep up. (the dog in me says: “Maybe she digs me. *overly-smug smirk*”) Anyway, I want a rematch, and I’m gonna “train” for it, in a sense. It’s too bad I don’t even remember who the girl was. I don’t even remember if she was white or hispanic. I just remember long hair and a sprint-runner’s slim body, unlike my stocky/slightly-pudgy build.)

Oh, so *after* my run on the track, I was feeling kinda guilty about not doing my push ups and sit ups, so I went into the gym to stretch first, then I went looking for some weights. The gym was packed, though, and it was about 6PM so I guess everyone who was getting off work was coming to the gym today. When I gave up looking for some kind of weight machine or free bench where I could use the little arm weights, I decided to go to the upstairs track and do some circuit training with my pushups and situps. So I did a set of 20 pushups, ran at a relaxed pace (but not a Keesler shuffle… that’ll give you shin splints), then I’d walk a little bit near the end of a lap (it’s 3 indoor laps to one outdoor lap) and go immediately into doing 20 situps at a situp bar. I didn’t take a break until I did 3 sets of each, alternating, which put me up at another .5 mile of running while doing my p/us and s/us.

Can you tell I’m quite proud of myself today? I am. Before break it was so hard to motivate myself to work out, but now… I dunno. As far as my mental state during the course of the day, I felt just a teeny-weeny bit like I was forcing the gears to start cranking again, but otherwise my psyche-engine was running fine. Although… I was thinking a little bit about last Saturday night.

Now, my friends know that I tend to psycho-analyze/over-analyze things that bother me or make me curious. In this case, it was something that… I’ll admit, was and kinda still is bothering me, although I think I shouldn’t be bothered if I really am supposed to be mature. There’s this girl that I kinda sorta don’t-really-know-yet-or-maybe-I-do-but- don’t-want-to-admit-it-to-myself like. And this girl that I KSDRKYOMIDBDWTAITM-like spent the whole night dancing with a guy that is familiar to me… he’s in my squadron. Now, what’s bothering me isn’t the fact that they practically spent the entire night dancing with each other at the clubs we were at… I’ve come to the realization long ago that if a girl likes a guy that’s *not* me, I really shouldn’t dwell on it and should keep going. So, in short, I’m not jealous. On the contrary, I really do feel like *if* (big huge *if*, with underlines and all sorts of disclaimers of this statement being pure speculation) this guy that I am familiar with just happens to win the heart of this girl I K16M-like (wow… I think I just made up a new word. I should patent “K16M-like”, as I think it will be accurate at describing future girls that I will k16m-like while I am single.) then good for them. And as for me, tough nuts, but it’s not like I’ve never lost to competition before. (The lines from Eminem’s *Say What You Say* comes to mind: “And if I fumble the verse, keep going / First take, I make mistakes, just keep it / No punches, pull no punches, that’s weak sh*t”) It’s like I said, I am willing to lose graciously if the competition is just simply better than me. At least I tried, and I will keep trying again and again.

But back to what I was saying about what’s bothering me… it’s not that they were hanging out together all night, but what *was* bothering me was thinking about how I could make myself more like an ideal guy for a girl. I spend so much time thinking about what kind of a girl I would like to eventually settle with (when I think about the subject, that is) that I don’t even think about the girl’s needs, or rather, what I have to offer that she would see in me right away. Now, I know I have alot to offer. I’m blessed with intelligence, honesty, and for better or for worse the kind of person I think about when I think of reaching my maximum potential is a knight–not some sappy romance-novel knight with a shining white sword, shield, and armor–but a warrior. Dusty, sweaty, and grimy from battle… like one of the knights templar who fought in the crusades so long ago. Yes… I think I even have the same blind zeal for what I believe in, as it has manifested itself so many times while passionately arguing philosophy with my best friend Lorenzo back in Nor.cal (I think I always lose). (To my credit (I think), I do try to keep an open mind about all things, so what I believe is constantly *evolving* (as opposed to me simply changing my mind all the time).)

Anyway, I have alot to offer. But I don’t think I’ve quite reached a level of maturity that I strive to be at, and a voice inside me is silently nodding, hinting to me that maybe the girls see this in me too, and that’s why I haven’t really had a serious girl friend yet. I have many things to improve… I have to work to get more tougher inside, more resistant to pain in my mind and body, for one. I guess that’s what led me to go to the gym today (were you wondering when I was gonna tie this tangent back into my main discussion? I know I was…). And that’s what’s going to motivate me to go above-and-beyond for the next few days, if not weeks… hopefully I will be able to extract and retain the joy in routinely going above-and-beyond for myself, and keep the good habits I’m trying to form for the long-term.

…

I feel like something is gently coaxing my actions today. I feel like a feather slowly falling to the ground… and a gentle breeze is lightly pushing me to an unknown (presumably favorable) destination.

…

Anyway, I’ve got lots to do now that I’m back in COS, so I need to throw some clothes on and head out. I feel like I wrote alot just now! I wonder what this will look like when I hit “Submit Query”…..

-TJ