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I was gonna write something else here, but in the middle of writing it, I got to thinking.

It’s about the girl I K16M-L. I need to sort these errant notions floating about my innerspace of “I hate being lonely” so I can figure out if she’s really a girl I’m interested, or if I’m just interested because she’s a girl.

Isn’t that an ugly notion? I think so. I hate admitting it but the testosterone really does fuck up my thinking when it comes to girls. So far my mitigation mechanism has been to ignore all urges when around females, then masturbate like a fiend when I get home… but this black-and-white, admittedly draconic solution to my masculine problem is probably overkill, as it’s making me ignore potentially positive hit signals from actual high-quality females. Okay, so I don’t really masturbate like a fiend all the time, but I do tend to swallow my desires for the girl I might be pining over, because I don’t trust my own body. Specifically, if that hardness in my chest… it could be anything. It can be, like, me thinking about being alone for so many years now, me feeling this girl is really something, me being scared of being rejected….

And here comes the over-analysis. Or maybe I’ve been saying things like “and here comes the over-analysis” because I have a yet-undetermined problem that I need to address, and I’ve been putting it off by telling myself dismissive things such as above? Now, whenever there’s a problem, I can’t just leave it alone. I never do. I always address it, somehow. It sure would be nice if inspiration hit me with an epiphany of sorts… I love it when that happens. Unfortunately I haven’t had one in regards to my current situation with the girl I K16M-L.

So, when all else fails, turn your problems over to Christ…

Lord… please help me sort out this shit. I’ve always been bad at it, and I’ve always had an especially hard time really hearing what You’re trying to tell me. You’ve guided me this far in life, and within the past 2 years You’ve shown me what listening to You can really do for me. Please help me grow in this respect, my passion clouds my mind alot, and I need to get a grip on my senses. You speak to me through my conscience, help me hear you past my fears and worries. Amen.

-TJ