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Cursed with a hyperactive mind, relentlessly calculating all possibilities that are constantly changing every second I decide to sit here or get up and go outside.
I see a computer screen. I see a reason for me to sit here and make myself occupied writing about what I’m seeing. I see a reason not to walk out the door and drive somewhere. I see a cause for not meeting anyone new today. I see the light on my network switch blinking rapidly… each second that passes is one moment less I have out in the sunlight.
bah.
You know what eases my mind? Being around people. It’s a catch-22 for me, though, because I think I’m one weird motherfucker, people might find me strange at first. Like, scary strange. And I’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’m not. I deflate when I’m near people, and I’m being engaged. Deflate as in de-stress, de-acting-weird, de-paranoy. I want to find a few friends and a pool, and I want to float in that pool for a good hour or two, not caring about anything, not worrying about having to impress anyone. I want to talk about my hopes and dreams for the world, not so much for myself. I need to start addressing all my issues.
But here I am… staring at this computer screen. What am I accomplishing? I need this, I know that much. I need to vent, even if no one can hear me. But my problems remain. There’s a fire that’s driving me mad, I want to work.
I need to get out of this room for a bit. I’m going insane being here by myself. It’s so quiet. It’s always quiet. I hate it.
-TJ
