Obesity a big problem in Africa Click here to comment
Obesity a big problem in Africa - CNN.com
…
Huh!?!
Oh well. Click here to comment
I enjoyed the time that was given to me.
But I guess this picture aptly sums up
what needs to happen moving forward…
Let’s go!
-TJ
One more half-rational thing Click here to comment
To (you): I think I’m past the initial initial passion of finding new love… I’d like to try to build something up with you, because before I was unconsciously trying to fit you into the mould I had pictured the first time I paid attention to you. It’s not fair to you that I’m learning to deal with the prospect of a relationship (not even a relationship, but just the prospect of having one) and I met you. I guess it’s not fair to me either, because I really do like you, and I wish I were better equipped to handle my emotions regarding you and me. It would have been clutch if we had met later in life, with me more seasoned with handling my emotions.
But no sense in crying over spilled milk. I think I’m ready to meet you again, to meet the person I’m going to find in you, rather than the person I want to find in you.
-TJ
(Deeply personal? Damn right… I’m tackling more than one fear here. I’m still thinking efficiency :).)
I wish I could control who my heart picks. Click here to comment
Logic would dictate… nothing.
Doubleyou Tee Eff. So Here I am happily coding along and my mind starts drifting to you. I’ve already made the decision to modify a parameter in my routine. You conflict with me so much but for some reason I cannot comprehend I feel drawn to you. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it, I can’t figure it out.
So here it is… unedited, save for the spelling errors. Things that are unsaid here are unsaid on purpose and yet for no reason. This post confuses me the way my feelings for you confuse me. If this is me falling, I hope I can stop falling either by you catching me or me hitting the ground. Either way, I want it to happen sooner than later, but most likely it will happen later, and statistically and historically “it” has been me hitting the ground.
So here I am, falling through air? no… something else. There’s a substance, a kind of ether, meaning that it’s not nothing that I’m falling through… It feels like knowledge and experience.
This feeling is 10% anguish, but 90% I-don’t-know-what. I feel like I should explore this emotion, because it really is unfamiliar to me. It’s not the kind of martyr-ish feeling of love-so-much-it-hurts… too cliche, this is something I really haven’t encountered before. Nor does it carry the kind of insane pain that feeling tends to bring… I’m past that. 
I want your love… or affection… or whatever its called. “It” is whatever makes me think you want to spend time with me. Strike out “think”, replace with “sense” or “feel”.
*breathe out*
*focus…*
(Coherent part of this post:)
If you read this, and you’re not the person I am addressing this to (or even if you are), don’t worry about me, I’m perfectly okay. I guess this is just the growing pains I’ve been avoiding all these years since… Lisa Kim.
Picture me with a slightly disappointed look on my face, slightly downcast eyes, slightly shaking my head, as if to say “God damnit… this sucks just a little bit of nuts, but I’ll deal.”
I always do.
Disappointment, because I wish I had these nuts that I have now back when I was younger… like 20. And yes… I’ll admit I must have hung myself on the end of that last relationship all these years. Not in the sense that I’ve hoped we’d get back together, but since then whenever I contacted a girl I was interested in, I’d always have a bitter pain in my chest and a badass fear of being rejected. Logic would dictate that since Kim was my last relation, and I haven’t had a girlfriend since her, *and* I’ve had this bitter reaction to girls I’ve been attracted to, that the emotion and my ended relationship were/are somehow connected. That’s “no-duh” kind of logic, though… just took me a while to see it.
So. No time like the present. No time like the present to learn to fly. I just hope my gift for learning will help me out in this aspect.
*Sends a text…*
Today… I will confront my fears. As my courage rises and falls, I’ll ride these waves in hopes that I reach the shore and feel that stable earth underneath my feet, that sense of reassurance that can only come from having worked so hard to get to land.
-TJ, confused but learning ever so slowly, changing every day.
Note Click here to comment
Mental note: Look into The Sanctification of Work by Jose Luis Illanes. I always believed that the actions I take on a day-to-day basis was how I pray. Some people pray by clasping their hands, bowing their heads, and breathing words thought to be holy… I pray just by making right decisions and doing good in the name of the Lord.
-TJ
Click here to comment
Test post from Google Docs & Spreadsheets. Woo hah! I got you all in check!
I gave myself a preview. :) Click here to comment
So. I went on a 3.5 hr drive NW of my current location. I took my antsiness out on the road, and driving did wonders for my pent-up agitation.
Sometimes I forget that when I’m cooped up in a room too long, letting the same thoughts stew over and over in my head, that a good cure for the blues is just getting lost in the wilderness (albeit on a paved road, but still). I hopped in my car at about 3PM today and I just started driving. I initially wanted to find a place called “Java the Hut” in Woodland Park in the hills, a cafe with wifi that I was hoping would be an out-of-the-way shanty, but sure enough I drove past it, along with a bunch of other cars in what looked like the main highway that ran through the town. I’ll check it out later, like *maybe* this weekend.
Then, instead of turning around and heading back home, I took a right turn at some roundabout, and 1.5 hrs later found myself driving through Aspen Park, another place I wanted to scope out for wifi but not in the immediate future… though it looks as if I just gave myself a preview of what was to come.
Did I mention I really really like Colorado? All these little mountain towns, like the settlements in the hills that you occasionally find next to the road (I ate at a restaurant on Highway 167, it was okay. Zula’s bar? Zuma’s bar? I can’t remember.) and places like Aspen Park, are places I’d consider living. Especially Aspen Park, which is like 30 to 45 mins from Denver, not really a bad commute considering there was a point in time I was driving 2 hours one way to get to work. “Quaint” describes it perfectly, for me. Unfortunately I couldn’t do that much exploring because I hit Aspen Park at about 6PM, and the sun was already gone behind the mountains. I hope it looks good during the daytime.
Anyway, while I was driving, I got to thinking. I’m not desperate for a girl, I’m desperate for a certain kind of companionship, like finding a good friend I can have deep discussions with that won’t make them feel weird or anything when I unload my shit. Friends back home are used to me doing just that, but I haven’t found anyone here that I can sit with, face to face, and just discuss the world without feeling like I’m being judged. Correction, I have met one girl, but one person can’t be the sole recipient of my vent… I need to find more, thoughtful people to hang out with, so I’m not always bitching to the same person about my internal turmoils that I just sometimes have trouble finding answers to.
Anyway, I drove my anxieties away, and had a chat with Law and Kyuu Hee over the phone for a little bit. I just simply need to meet more people, and hope for the best that I find ones that are generous enough with their time to listen to me unload, and would do so in kind to me.
-TJ
Labels: friends
IDEA: visit a new CO town twice a month. Click here to comment
*gears cranking*
Still lacking stimuli. Gears have been turning for a few days, I’ve been wondering why I’m restless… it’s because I’m not getting out enough, and that’s nobody’s fault but my own.
*gears cranking*
I had an idea. I’m gonna be here in CO for 2 more years. Colorado really is beautiful. From what little I’ve seen, I wouldn’t mind settling anywhere in this state. Thinking about it more, I probably wouldn’t mind settling anywhere in the Northwest. I like woods, mountains, and nature. I also like technology, business, and making work easier by building better tools. I think I should start looking at this state so I can begin to make plans for where I want to live after I get out of the military in 2 years. Los Angeles is nice, but I think I can find a better place to live and work, something not so fast paced. Living from goal to goal, achievement to achievement is fine, but a slower paced life is also something to consider.
*gears cranking*
Slower paced life? Maybe I should revise that… I should have a cycle of living slowly, then hitting the achievements… I can’t be constantly on high speed, I need to rest. Conversely, I can’t be constantly resting, I need to be moving.
*gears cranking*
I got it. I should try to find a place that’s populated, but not too far drivable distance from a place out in the “middle of nowhere” where I can choose to be left alone and receptive to inspiration. Or I should find a place that’s not populated (like Broomfield, CO), but not too far of a commute to work in a place conducive to building better business, i.e. a place like Downtown Los Angeles or Denver, where I would be able to make business contacts faster simply by being in a center of business. This appeals to me. I want that kind of versatility in my work/living environment. I want to be able to operate out of any office, cafe, shore, campsite or cornfield I choose for the day. I want my credibility to stem from my personality and my work and not the fact I am headquartered in a brick-and-mortar building.
*gears cranking*
I want I want I want. What do I need to do so I can cross that line from sitting on my ass thinking about what I want to do with my life and actually doing it? What kind of foundations do I need to lay down today so I can live out my dreams tomorrow? That’s the real question. A solution would be to sign up with a contracting company… I can get started seeing America (or even other countries) by signing up with one of these guys and filling positions in places I’ve never lived.
For now, I’m gonna have to stay low-tech. Visit a new town in CO, find a wifi hotspot, connect, and start creating. I’m an explorer… so I need to start living like one.
I heart teh internet Click here to comment
I’m a little less homesick now thanks to www.KROQ.com. KILO here in COS is horrid compared to what we have back home. My brain is happy. :))
-TJ
Scrubbing internet property Click here to comment
So.
I’m thinking of scrubbing alot of stuff online. I’m mostly considering abandoning my current IM accounts and re-creating new accounts that will mostly remain un-published… either that or just totally abandoning IM. I have a phone, and I’d rather hear from my friends instead of text them. ICQ as of late has just become an avenue for spammers to send me links to their gibberish.info sites, and MSN, Y!M, and AIM are rarely, if ever, used.
The big-picture motivation? I would like to gradually spend less time looking at a computer, and more time looking at a real sky, with real sun, real mountains, real wind blowing across my real skin. 1280 x 1024 resolution on a 19″ flat panel… or infinite resolution in a stereoscopic display? It’s up to me. 
-TJ