I wish I could control who my heart picks.

Logic would dictate… nothing.

Doubleyou Tee Eff. So Here I am happily coding along and my mind starts drifting to you. I’ve already made the decision to modify a parameter in my routine. You conflict with me so much but for some reason I cannot comprehend I feel drawn to you. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it, I can’t figure it out.

So here it is… unedited, save for the spelling errors. Things that are unsaid here are unsaid on purpose and yet for no reason. This post confuses me the way my feelings for you confuse me. If this is me falling, I hope I can stop falling either by you catching me or me hitting the ground. Either way, I want it to happen sooner than later, but most likely it will happen later, and statistically and historically “it” has been me hitting the ground.

So here I am, falling through air? no… something else. There’s a substance, a kind of ether, meaning that it’s not nothing that I’m falling through… It feels like knowledge and experience.

This feeling is 10% anguish, but 90% I-don’t-know-what. I feel like I should explore this emotion, because it really is unfamiliar to me. It’s not the kind of martyr-ish feeling of love-so-much-it-hurts… too cliche, this is something I really haven’t encountered before. Nor does it carry the kind of insane pain that feeling tends to bring… I’m past that.

I want your love… or affection… or whatever its called. “It” is whatever makes me think you want to spend time with me. Strike out “think”, replace with “sense” or “feel”.

*breathe out*

*focus…*

(Coherent part of this post:)

If you read this, and you’re not the person I am addressing this to (or even if you are), don’t worry about me, I’m perfectly okay. I guess this is just the growing pains I’ve been avoiding all these years since… Lisa Kim.

Picture me with a slightly disappointed look on my face, slightly downcast eyes, slightly shaking my head, as if to say “God damnit… this sucks just a little bit of nuts, but I’ll deal.”

I always do.

Disappointment, because I wish I had these nuts that I have now back when I was younger… like 20. And yes… I’ll admit I must have hung myself on the end of that last relationship all these years. Not in the sense that I’ve hoped we’d get back together, but since then whenever I contacted a girl I was interested in, I’d always have a bitter pain in my chest and a badass fear of being rejected. Logic would dictate that since Kim was my last relation, and I haven’t had a girlfriend since her, *and* I’ve had this bitter reaction to girls I’ve been attracted to, that the emotion and my ended relationship were/are somehow connected. That’s “no-duh” kind of logic, though… just took me a while to see it.

So. No time like the present. No time like the present to learn to fly. I just hope my gift for learning will help me out in this aspect.

*Sends a text…*

Today… I will confront my fears. As my courage rises and falls, I’ll ride these waves in hopes that I reach the shore and feel that stable earth underneath my feet, that sense of reassurance that can only come from having worked so hard to get to land.

-TJ, confused but learning ever so slowly, changing every day.