Growing up, being a man, and letting go of the past Click here to comment
So I’ve been thinking. Alot of stuff has happened in my personal life during the last couple of weeks, and as revelations and epiphanous moments seem to occur regularly in my life I’ve now come to realize that my life is one epiphany after the next. Each time I have an epiphany of wisdom it feels like my eyes have been opened yet again, and that leads me to conclude that I have many such “eyes”, or rather my life and struggles and happy moments have many possible points of approach, numerous angles of attack, and each epiphany grants me wisdom to see my life in a new light and approach future obstacles with a greater arsenal of thought.
That’s how I’ve been growing up. Today I’m learning about being a man, and sometimes that involves just sucking it up when I’m going through a trying moment in life. I am experiencing what I think used to be a great deal of pain… the rejection from a woman (albeit very minute in this case). Not being able to look forward to spending my weekend with her, the prospect of never experiencing another one of her kisses, the thought of never holding her close again… such is the stuff of poems, love songs, and romantic movies. But today I am different… I am sad, but I accept this possible fate. Is the future ever written in stone? All I know is today I am without her, and today I’m not as happy as I was before.
So yesterday I talked with my dad. Among the numerous gems of wisdom he imparted to me in our discussion, he relayed something his grandfather told him when he was a young boy. Dad would walk around with his head down, always looking at the ground, and his grandfather often told him “Hey! When you walk, don’t look at your feet, but look ahead of you!” Sage advice, that… I have often caught myself looking at my current situation, feeling sorry for myself, wishing things were better, etc etc. But really, how does that help things? It doesn’t. What I should be doing is taking a moment to reflect, but walk on, eyes straight, ever-forward. This moment has already happened, I must keep my focus on the future and prepare for what’s ahead, make sure I know where I’m going, and make sure I’m getting there as time goes on.
Segue into the final part of my post, letting go of my past. I shall not endeavor to define myself by the hardships I have endured. I am not the nephew deceived by the uncle, or the student almost-failed from high school, or the son that doesn’t call home as much as he knows he should. I am TJ, and I have a God-given drive to see that I leave this world better than I found it. In keeping with eyes-forward, I need to work on forgiveness. There are people here who I’ve been mad at for a very long time, and I think I need to let go of their sins against me, as God would want me to. I mean, how in good conscience can I ask for forgiveness if I have refused it to others? I am a wicked servant. I think the person I don’t forgive the most is myself… when I don’t forgive myself, I don’t forgive others. When I don’t forgive myself, I usually tend to persist in the bad behavior that I am internally admonishing myself for… case-in-point, someone here slighted my friend, and I have yet to tell him I’m sorry. I think I’ve wanted to let this go for a few months now, but inside I’m still mad at him, and I can’t seem to let that go because I haven’t forgiven myself for being mad at him. It’s like I’ve only been mad because that’s what I felt I should be towards him, but truth be told it takes alot of energy to harvest negative energy to feed at a person, and it’s alot easier if I just forgive and let it go. So I think I’ll forgive him.
As far as telling him… I think I’ll keep that until I’m about to leave, because he’s emotionally needy and I think he’s a homo, and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.
-TJ