I make mistakes.

I make mistakes. - I am the subject.

I make mistakes. - I actively perform the action so specified in said sentence.

I make mistakes. - I actively perform the action so specified in said sentence, and am now claiming responsibility for the object of the sentence.

I’m only human, guys. I went to San Jose this weekend to witness my cousin wed the woman of his dreams (grats Kuya E & Ate D dG). I know I have a temper, and I know it gets set off by random but very specific things.

I fully redact my last post. The bridges I was talking about weren’t burning, but as history is “the interpretation of the past in terms of the present”, I just saw them as such.

My friend L is right. And so is my Dad, who counseled me when I mentioned how I was mad at my friends this weekend. Dad suggested that we’re all at the age where we’re all trying to get a handle on life: saving up for that house, learning to be married, getting a hold of a steady job, things like that. He also pointed out what I knew in my heart to be true but I just didn’t want to say it, that my ability to take leave was much easier than it can be in the civilian world. I know this to be true for my friends L and C, where they have deliverable dates and such. I guess it’s the same for my other friend A, and KH is still trying to find work as far as I know. I need to calm the fuck down and understand that just because I can take leave essentially when I want with 1 month notice, the same is most likely not true for my friends who are still quite possibly working hard to get into that phase of stability.

But, as L points out and has pointed out to me a bunch of times, I really do need to find my own way. I think I’ve not allowed myself to really develop any new friendships since college–actually since CIS One. Since my own flesh and blood uncle used my loyalty to family for his own ends, it’s been quite hard for me to learn to trust another person. I have had a hard time trusting all but the most innocent of people in the military, and the few backstabbers and schemers I’ve met certainly haven’t helped rebuild that ability to fully trust, the way I do with pre CIS One friends and family. I don’t blame CIS One, but I just marked that point in my life… October 23, 2003, as the day I stopped being so naive and unfortunately became pessimistic about people and their base motives. I’ve quite jobs because I couldn’t trust my boss. Not even Air Force BMT really fully ever took that pessimism away from me… I think the most I’ll ever trust my fellow brothers and sisters in arms will be 95%, which is devastating to me but at the same time to even get that high is really good, because people who I won’t have to rely on with my life I tend to trust even less. But the realization I made that day almost 5 years ago now, if family can screw me that bad, how can I even trust people who aren’t family?

And “family” is the f-word for me… in the sense that it’s one of those words that I really had to stop and think for a long time what the real definition of that word was. I define family the way I defined friends from my last post. Family is actually the ones I rely on, who have my back when I need it, and who will call on me when they need mine. My mom and dad are my family. My sisters are my family. Nanay C, Ogie, Kuya Weng, Kuya R, Beanne, J, L, E, Odie are my family. Lolo D, Lola M, Kuya E, Kuya R are my family. L, C, KH, A, and S are also in that family… my family.

So I make mistakes. Forgive me for my last statement, it was in error, and yet I leave it up as a testament to my own failings, and a reminder that I really do need to grow up and gain true control over the totality of my own life and destiny. As much as I have of that control now, there is still more work to be done, and I think I’ll grow to attain that in due time.