Ladies and… well, ladies.
I’m a good guy. I swear. I possess a heart of a hurricane, encased in a 3-foot-thick steel wall… that’s what comes to mind when I think about my personality.
I live by my conscience. When I’d break my own rules and act against my values, in the past it would physically hurt me. Now, I just try to make sure I do what I should be doing, and I don’t ever catch myself thinking “Oh, I should have blah blah blah…”
I’ve been thinking the past two weeks, what is my problem? Why am I so scared to talk to a girl that I want to chat up? Lately it’s been because I don’t want to ask “Hey, are you over 18?” I think part of my problem is that I look way younger than my age. I think that’s been my problem all these years of me trying to get attention from the females that I thought I wanted to talk to… they all think I’m way too young for them. Like I really can’t figure it out, how can some older fat dude get a hot minx for a girlfriend, and here I am busting my balls, working an honest living, and I don’t really look half bad, I’m not poor, and yet I can’t get even a bad date from any girl that I try to talk to.
I’ve heard I’m intimidating from one of my female friends… I have like 2 good ones that I’ve grown to trust and respect more than the average person. But I think also that I tend to size up girls… as a habit, and they see that I’m doing this. I don’t look at how big a girl’s chest or butt is… I mean, I notice, don’t get me wrong, but if anything it’s a fleeting moment of attention. I tend to pay more attention to subtle muscle movements in the face, body language, and vocal tone when they talk. Is she easily bored? Do she expect alot, as in habitually performing the action of “expecting” things only to be let down when things don’t go exactly as she hoped? Is she genuinely nice, or is she nice out of habit? Does she have passion in her heart, or is she just part of the city backdrop? Subtle things like how wide her eyes are, if she’s just looking or actually seeing? Is she even looking for a guy like I’m looking for a girl? It sounds crazy, but this is what I think about literally right after I decide if she’s cute or not, which is usually like a microsecond. I’m guessing I don’t even get to the questions on the female end of things… most girls decide I don’t look like your typical American man, and I’m not the kind to randomly chat up strangers who are busy going about their day. She’s got places to go, and I for one don’t want to be an obstacle that she has to surmount just to go about her business. If she’s looking for someone, she’ll say so. Just like me.
Anyway, just a couple thoughts on my girl situation. We’ll see how things work out in Dayton, OH, because I’m going to be celibate except for random masturbation for the next 6 months.
Yeah, I said it. Don’t cringe… you either do it, or you lie and you say you don’t. But that’s for another topic, another time.
I had to do it. Had to hit you with the double-post.
As I stated previously, I just witnessed my cousin wed the girl of his dreams this weekend in San Jose, CA. As this is a significant event in one’s life, all relatives on both sides of the union gathered, and I ran into people that I guess I really needed to hear from.
The first was Dad, and I said in the previous posting what I talked to him about, which got my mind right and put things in perspective once again.
The second was Kuya M. I’m not so much blood-related to him, as rather his is married to my aunt. But I had gotten to talking to him, and of course he asks me if I’m getting married soon… not in the “you’re next, of course” kind of way, but just as a curious question (to which the answer is “no” as of the current date). I told him I couldn’t really find anyone, and that I was starting to get worried because I’m 28 as of this Friday and I haven’t managed to meet the right girl as of yet. And Kuya M tells me that I’m fine, and that it’s worse to be one of the guys who consider having intimate relations with a girl akin to masturbating. Normally Kuya M clowns around alot, but this moment of clear advice gave me strength to live on with my own standards, which admittedly unfortunately erode to points of insanity between visits back home, as in I thought I was insane for hoping and praying for the smart, kind, patient, and beautiful girl who hasn’t already been married/divorced/had children/become jaded.
The third, Kuya R. It’s hard to believe that in 2008, in our era of post Sex-in-the-City liberation, that there are still people who are old fashioned and believe in making relationships by becoming best friends first before becoming in love and eventually married, and not fooling around otherwise. I’ve felt the lure, and I’m unfortunately not perfect… I never made it home, per se, but I’ve gotten around a few of the bases (To my credit, the times I’ve approached that threshold I’ve always felt horrible and cancelled the relationship, so I guess there’s hope for my wreched soul yet). There have been times when I lost sight of that ideal relationship with the ideal girl… I guess I’m a passionate guy and I tend to let the flames get a hold of me whenever they actually show up. Anyway, the details of what Kuya R told me aren’t relevant, but the conversation we had gave me hope that I’ll find that girl with old-fashioned values as of yet, with the patience, kindness and humility that I desperately need in her.
And to that end, I need to deserve her. I need that girl, but in turn I must deserve to find her. I think alot of the reason why I haven’t met her yet is that God knows I’m not yet ready. I’m still getting my life on track, up to where I’m supposed to be. He knows what I’ve been praying for my whole life, and He knows that I shouldn’t find that girl until I become the man that deserves such a woman. I think I have a good amount of major flaws that I need to work on, and alot of things I have yet to define about myself.
So I guess I need to ask you, reader, to pray with me, for me, because Lord knows I need all the help I can get. God, if you read blogs (which you probably do), help me to be totally honest to myself and to others, because as much as I think I’m “brutally honest” I admittedly don’t admit really difficult things to myself, and I can’t grow if I don’t acknowledge what I need to fix. God, you’ve given me the foundation through my mom and dad, and I am eternally greatful. Please give me the strength and patience to build upon that foundation and become my own man, able to stand on my own and provide the support my present and future family will need of me. Give me the courage to overcome the fear that keeps me paralyzed and stops me from making the moves that I need to be making to reach that end of true independent maturity… security and faith in oneself, and altruism and patience to give to everyone around me.
I just have one question…
How is a nude female model able to look sickeningly hideous and bombshell alluring in the same photo set?
I stumbled upon a set of photos of some girl, and one of them is on my desktop, but some of them she just looks gross. And she’s not even doing anything lewd, just poses you’d find in Playboy… quite tame.
I just confused my penis.
I found this article when I googled “smart people can’t get dates”. Yeah… maybe I was being a bit pretentious. 
Or maybe that’s my problem… I’m not properly recognizing my worth and backing it up with a proper attitude. I read this article and it gave some insight on “I’m nice, why don’t girls like me?” What I took away from this was that I may be smart, decently good looking, and financially secure, but I’m not backing all of my qualities up with enough assertion. Admittedly I spend alot of time at home trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing instead of going out and actually doing something… anything.
Check this out http://xkcd.com/439/
It’s dumb, but when I read this I thought this was funny, and yet at the same time it made me realize that I tend to do the same thing. I see a girl I’d like to talk to, and for some reason I kill the initial feeling because really I just don’t want to deal with the rejection or bad times that I may or may not have with this girl. I realize I’m on the fast track to nowhere going down this road. I already don’t meet enough girls day-to-day, and what few girls I do come across I don’t talk to.
Something has to give.
Well, I’ve recently started focusing on building up my social life now that I’m locked in for the next stage of my career. I figure I need to start dating or at least meeting and talking to girls so I can be less afraid of the initial contact.
So I get occasional emails from the different websites that hold my profile, and I get some from Cupid.com about their “predating” events (read pre-dating, and not PREDating, which is how I first read this word and thought of The Predator). I had been getting a couple, and finally I clicked on a link in one of these emails just to see what the event had in store. Well I looked at the form, then left it alone because I had to go to work, and I really wasn’t that interested in participating in something that could be seen on a subsequent documentary on We or Lifetime.
After I had visited and failed to follow through with this form, I started getting emails mentioning how I didn’t complete the form. I guess Cupid is pushing these predating events hard… normally you pay $35 to get into one of these.
Then I checked my mail this morning after work. I have a message here from a personal AOL account which I initially thought was spam, but opened it anyway. Apparently someone locally runs these events, and she actually got word that I looked at this form online. She made me an offer that was pretty good, and now I’m registered to go to one of these speed dating things at the Melting Pot next Tuesday. Apparently they’re overflowing with ladies and need men to equalize the ratio. We’ll see if that’s good or not.
Anyway, Kudos Cupid.com for hustling the honest way. Not by spam, fake ads, or numerical misrepresentation, but rather by providing a service and following up with customer support. Good Job.
-TJ
Well it’s been a hell of a last couple of days here for me. Last Friday I took leave to go back home for Lawrence and Cookie’s wedding, and I have to say I had a blast. I saw almost all of my friends, the same ones I see whenever I go home (Alvin, Scott, Kyuu Hee… didn’t see Jieqi this time, not enough time I guess. Sorry J.)
One of the things I want to mention before I forget is that I have some protected posts here, and if you want to read them you’re supposed to ask me for access… for some reason you guys mentioned to me at one point or another that you couldn’t read my protected posts… well you never asked for access! It’s me, man! If you’re reading this blog on a somewhat regular basis, then it’s 95% likely you have my phone number, so just give me a call! Or IM, or something.
Anyway, as usual I had a bunch of deep conversations with various folks while I was home. Maybe they didn’t think them deep, but I did, because at least they got me thinking. Everyone’s getting married, everyone’s growing up… Kyuu Hee mentioned to me in passing “Thomas, can you believe it? We’re already grown up!” To which I replied “Hell no, I’m not a grownup.” She agreed with me vocally when I said it, and I think (correct me if I’m wrong, Kyuu Hee) that she mentally agreed with me too, at least to a degree. I’m not grown up, and I don’t think I’ll be grown up until a couple more years… not until after I’ve held a respectable job–not that being in the military is respectable, but it really is almost a waste of my capabilities… and I can’t go further into detail on what I actually do. Sorry…–dated and had a steady longer-than-six-months relationship with a respectable girl, and probably most importantly have completed a number of things I wanted to get out of the way before becoming a “grown-up”, such as get through grad school, and finish my time in the military honorably and having contributed something to the betterment of our national security.
Well I got back yesterday, and I would have spent today trying to sleep for my night shift, but there was an important function I had to attend, namely the funeral of Tyrone Hubbard, MSgt, USAF (Ret). I won’t claim to have known him well, as I knew him through a fellow APHA member MSgt Hubbard aka “Tita Ching” (First name not shown, since I didn’t ask her permission to put her name here). I met him only twice or three times last year, and knew that he was going through chemo for his cancer. Anyway, I spent today, two days after my best friends’ wedding, mostly thinking about death, the meaning of life–alot more than usual, that is–and how I want my friends and family to respond to my death when it comes. I always thought that if I ever lost someone important, that I don’t think I would cry, because in my heart I know that God takes them to live with Him in Heaven… and this isn’t some religious hoohah that I’m spouting, but what I truly, honestly believe. I take great comfort that I will see Mr. Hubbard again, as well as my high school friend Lisa Liu (d. 1998), my cousin Matthew Aragon (d. 1997), my old music teacher David Falconer, my great-grand uncle Bonifacio Lapidario, my 8th grade science teacher Gin Pooler, my great-grand uncle whom I only knew as “Lolo Sunday” who my mom always tells me was so proud of me and talked about me constantly even though I only knew him for a few months when I was 10 years old, and–Lord forgive me–but others that have gone on that I can’t remember at the moment. To me, after the body dies, the body is just an empty home, as the soul has moved out to a better place, with an infinite number of infinitely large bedrooms, bathrooms, and living rooms. Already I picture Mr. Hubbard checking out his new digs, walking around with a strength he probably hasn’t had in at least a couple of months, maybe even running into people he knew in life that had passed on before him, perhaps even my friends and people I’ve known that have already been living there for a while. Lord, I wish I could make a movie of what I am seeing in my head right now, or an explorable space of my conceptualization of what Heaven must be like… I imagine it to be like Second Life, except with no ads, no lag, and every add-on and imagined space is high-quality product using infinite polygons to render everything… where you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, for the rest of time.
Back to Earth, though, I was called at about 9:15AM this morning as I was getting ready to go to the church service here on base, another friend Abigayle said that Tita Ching wanted me to operate a camera to film the whole ceremony. Of course I accepted without hesitation, but it’s kinda strange to film this whole thing, because now instead of being a member of the congregation, I had to watch with a strange kind of clarity this whole ceremony unfold, and I tried my best to watch the ceremony, and capture as little of the grieving as I could, because they have two children together and both were crying a bit here and there, as well as Tita Ching and others in the congregation… I tell you, if I cry at a funeral as I almost did today, it’s not because the person in the casket has died and I personally won’t be able to say “hello” to him in this lifetime. No, I’ll cry because when someone else is grieving, you feel their pain, and it’s so powerful that the emotion seems to radiate from their body and manifest in those around them. Of course, grieving with others makes the process easier, but best believe when I saw Tita Ching and her children cry, my throat swelled into a knot and for a moment I grieved with them from behind the camera.
But I maintain, even now, that funerals can be events where no one cries, and where everyone celebrates and laughs. I remember as a teenager when I went to my cousin Matthew’s funeral… he had passed due to a gun accident at home, so it was very sudden and I had trouble dealing with this my first death of someone relatively close to me. After his funeral and when we were at his home, my mom had me approach some of Matthew’s friends, and they were all smiling in a sad way but trying their best to celebrate his life. Of course, I was a dumbass kid back then, and it confused the hell out of me as to why they were smiling when they should be utterly destraught at the passing of their friend, the way I was. But it makes sense to me now, when a person leaves this world, they leave a world of pain, a world where some of us live cold and alone on the street, or stricken with an illness that leaves them immobile and unable to communicate or hear and see their loved ones… a world where evil does have a foothold, currently in the form of terrorists, criminals, power-hungry politicians, forces that drive up the cost of living, ignorance, duplicity, and all other maner of unfortunate elements that make us the imperfect creatures that we humans are.
All that goes away upon death. You do your time here, in the name of God, and once you’ve completed your work and what your life was meant for, you retire to the Big Mansion in the Sky, playing golf with Jesus, Bob Hope, Aaliyah, and George Washington. So really, every funeral I go to from here on out, there’s always a small part of me that’s happy and thankful that they’ve passed away… in Heaven, there is no sadness, so now one more person gets to enjoy that eternal bliss.
Phew. Anyway, now it’s almost 18:30, and I have work later tonight, so I’m going to try to go to sleep. Live long and prosper. Live–and love–forever.
-TJ
So I’ve been thinking. Alot of stuff has happened in my personal life during the last couple of weeks, and as revelations and epiphanous moments seem to occur regularly in my life I’ve now come to realize that my life is one epiphany after the next. Each time I have an epiphany of wisdom it feels like my eyes have been opened yet again, and that leads me to conclude that I have many such “eyes”, or rather my life and struggles and happy moments have many possible points of approach, numerous angles of attack, and each epiphany grants me wisdom to see my life in a new light and approach future obstacles with a greater arsenal of thought.
That’s how I’ve been growing up. Today I’m learning about being a man, and sometimes that involves just sucking it up when I’m going through a trying moment in life. I am experiencing what I think used to be a great deal of pain… the rejection from a woman (albeit very minute in this case). Not being able to look forward to spending my weekend with her, the prospect of never experiencing another one of her kisses, the thought of never holding her close again… such is the stuff of poems, love songs, and romantic movies. But today I am different… I am sad, but I accept this possible fate. Is the future ever written in stone? All I know is today I am without her, and today I’m not as happy as I was before.
So yesterday I talked with my dad. Among the numerous gems of wisdom he imparted to me in our discussion, he relayed something his grandfather told him when he was a young boy. Dad would walk around with his head down, always looking at the ground, and his grandfather often told him “Hey! When you walk, don’t look at your feet, but look ahead of you!” Sage advice, that… I have often caught myself looking at my current situation, feeling sorry for myself, wishing things were better, etc etc. But really, how does that help things? It doesn’t. What I should be doing is taking a moment to reflect, but walk on, eyes straight, ever-forward. This moment has already happened, I must keep my focus on the future and prepare for what’s ahead, make sure I know where I’m going, and make sure I’m getting there as time goes on.
Segue into the final part of my post, letting go of my past. I shall not endeavor to define myself by the hardships I have endured. I am not the nephew deceived by the uncle, or the student almost-failed from high school, or the son that doesn’t call home as much as he knows he should. I am TJ, and I have a God-given drive to see that I leave this world better than I found it. In keeping with eyes-forward, I need to work on forgiveness. There are people here who I’ve been mad at for a very long time, and I think I need to let go of their sins against me, as God would want me to. I mean, how in good conscience can I ask for forgiveness if I have refused it to others? I am a wicked servant. I think the person I don’t forgive the most is myself… when I don’t forgive myself, I don’t forgive others. When I don’t forgive myself, I usually tend to persist in the bad behavior that I am internally admonishing myself for… case-in-point, someone here slighted my friend, and I have yet to tell him I’m sorry. I think I’ve wanted to let this go for a few months now, but inside I’m still mad at him, and I can’t seem to let that go because I haven’t forgiven myself for being mad at him. It’s like I’ve only been mad because that’s what I felt I should be towards him, but truth be told it takes alot of energy to harvest negative energy to feed at a person, and it’s alot easier if I just forgive and let it go. So I think I’ll forgive him.
As far as telling him… I think I’ll keep that until I’m about to leave, because he’s emotionally needy and I think he’s a homo, and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.
-TJ
I just realized something… people say you tend to find love when you least expect it. And when you’re looking for it, you won’t find it.
I think that when I’m looking, I have an idea in my head that I am actively trying to match, and if a girl doesn’t meet that match then I don’t pursue.
When I’m not looking, that criteria doesn’t exist, so when I meet a girl–without my expectations–I am pleasantly surprised and enraptured.
-TJ